I feel like I am shattering from the pain. Its hard to belive that a year ago I was loving life going out and having bonfires with my big brother. But now hes gone and I'm kinda lost. Still trying to figure out how to put the pices back together. Some days its bad and others I hardly notice. But today, its liketwisting a knife in my back. I know that its my fault. I did things I shouldn`t of done. Said things I didn't mean. And now I sit here. Sure I have Fox and he helps. More then he knows but I can't look at the scars and not think about where I would be if he hadn't come into my life. Some days I'm a normal person others I'm a hallowed out corpse. More often then not now I'm normal. But sometimes a memorie is trigered and all I see is what I had not what I have. Writing helps. But thats getting harder and harder the arthritis in my right hand is devistating when I don't treat it. So I talk. Endlessly with Fox. I was left in peoples dust with isues, I can't trust, I'm always scared someone will leave. I'm like two people now. One not caring one caring to much. I wish I didn't have to remember. I'll look back at this tomorrow and think. Wow. I was being stupid and weak. What a cry baby. But hey. Whatever. As long as I vent nothing happens and I'm fine soon.

Maybe I am severly bipolar O.o Wow I already feel like I could care less about the pain. What I have is what I want. A mate that loves me for who I am and pitty the poor fool who gets in the way of his happiness. A room mate that hates women and thinks I'm the shit. (I think he has wierd double standards... He said I was a dude with a vage? O.o) Looking at a promotion at work. Making enough to get by with good friends, though I'm thinking I need more guy friends. I tend to be at girls throats without thinking about it.

I'm loving life, I'm finaly where I want to be. I don't care what you think. I am me and that makes me happy. Sure I'm more bipolar then a skitzafrenic (I realize thats spelled wrong. Damn you gramar Natiz!) >.< This is me this is who I am and screw what you think. I go my own way.